My Story

Your Worst Nightmare

I thought I'd bring a poem
To explain my pain
To show my emotions
To let it bleed

Bleed like my arms did
Bleed like my heart did
Bleed like my self made scars
Bleed like my mind, 
which is just too tired to die

For a long time now
I was the bad ass girl
The horror fanatic
The reckless dangerous one

I thought it was cool
I thought it'd be fun
But apparently
I was wrong

Everyday I come to school
With a smile on my face
As if every thing is okay

Here, I am a girl who listens to heavy metal
An obnoxious dumb bitch
A bit popular
But yet still, a nobody 

At home, I am also nobody
Just a lonely depressed girl
Just a paranoid freak
Locking myself up, 
disconnecting myself from anyone, 
I'm so weak

Yet my self esteem says
That I'm smart
Kind
And funny

I'm really thinking
Fat
Ugly
Worthless

Yet I'm still screaming
Unwanted
Unloved
Unneeded 

I question my existence 
And I've thought about self harm
But I'm too afraid
I'm too much of a coward

I'm just another attention whore
A girl pleading for attention 
A poser
A liar

That's what they call me, right?
No. 
That's what I call myself

I can't even call it me
It's her
Two people, in my head
Screaming at me, all the time

Black, white
Up, down
Left, right

A mental argument 
That I always lose
Leaving scars and bruises 
Refusing to accept the truth

My insanity
My weakness
My helplessness
My pathetic-ness

Yet as I sit in class
Thinking about my past
I realize, that I am nobody
And that I don't matter

That nobody cares
That they're just pretending 
"You don't understand." they say
But they don't know pain

I am depressed
I am heartbroken
I am psychotic
I'm broken. Just broken. 

I don't want friends
I want to let go of my sorrow
Drown in it if I have to
Kill me now

I want to give up
Because I just can't take it
Rain, just go away
I can't take the pain today

There's no one I can run to
I'm just a ghost
Running wild
Leaving no trace behind

If I went missing
Would people care?
Would they even notice
That I wasn't there?

No. Of course not. 
Don't start imagining things now
You're still alone
You're still no one

You're still the freak 
Who listens to gothic piano 
Who hates herself, yet can't control her anger
Who thinks of suicide, yet can't cut her own wrist

You're still insane
You've still got multiple people in your head
You still talk to yourself
Can't you die now?

Can't you see no one loves you?
You have no goals
No hopes
Nothing to look forward to

Life is useless
You don't belong here
You might as well go
You're a disgust to humans

If only you hadn't been born
If only you had self control
If only you weren't so worthless
If only you had a purpose

But still, you are here
Engulfed by darkness
Scarred by love 
Killed by hope

You are utterly disarranged 
By the stress of life
I can't see the point of you
You were just a mistake after all

And now, with all your eyes on me
You see, I'm not who I used to be
You knew my name
But not my story

I try so hard
To fit in
I try so hard
To smile

To get up every morning
And tell myself I'm fine
To go to school
And sit down and laugh and smile

Yet, I'm just alone
And scared
And insane
And in need of help

My name is Julia. 
And that was my story. 
But please, when you see me
Please don't say sorry. 

I don't want sympathy
I don't want you to be kind
I'll just stay as nobody
As you all carry on your lives

There is one thing
That I must say
None of you knew anything about me
Until this day