I ran out of fucking corn flakes.

Brandon Crooms

“Today was exceedingly slow. First off, waking up at 6:30, ‘who even fucking scheduled that!?’ anyways, waking up seemed to take forever. I must have slept wonderfully last night because drool was EVERYWHERE! UGH! It was like a hound dog that kept his mouth wide open all night long. Breakfast was good, though I ran out of fucking corn flakes. The cat would not shut up either. However, the rest of the time at home went pretty smooth; got dressed, left for work…blah, blah.

The ride to work was GOD awful! So much traffic and ASSHOLE drivers!! This butt-head decided that he wanted to turn in front of me. Casually, I sped up in hopes of ramming the bastard. My conscience was telling me that I should go follow this guy for a little "chit chat". Well I did. We must have driven for an hour or so. I had my stereo on FULL MOTHER FUCKING BLAST BITCH! Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody blaring so loud that my windows were going to shatter.

The driver finally stopped on 7th street behind some insurance building. Around this time, it is probably 1:30. I am late for work, but I don't care. So I park a little ways away from the guy, but I managed to catch up to him by sprinting my ass off. He didn't recognize me. THANK GOD! The fucker seemed like a prick at first glance; suit, tie, coffee. He walked straight like a board, all big and bad. His height was roughly around 6'1; and me being 5'8, I was pretty small.

He stood in this darkened alley for ten minutes; I think. Maybe he was waiting on somebody? I don't know but I had to act fast. Stepping out from behind the wall, I made the slightest bit of noise. Tom Clancy Ghost Recon has trained me for this moment. The Eye of the Tiger started playing from a nearby window, so my moment has come.

I went pro level 60 assassin's creed on his ass. Two little pocket knives slept in my back pocket waiting to be awoken. In the back of my mind Dvorak Symphony No. 9, Movement 4 cues in; rattling my brain. The wind rustles through my hair like a feather taking flight through the air. My feet kick off of the ground, wall jump, all while pulling the blades free. While basking in the warm sun, and flying like a free eagle with beautiful angels singing sweet hymns, the guy turns the fuck around! His face of surprise was one that I will never forget.

In a split second, his face exploded in anger. I chocked out my ogre battle cry, and lunged both blades into his chest. The impact force drove both of us straight to the ground. He tried to beat me off of him, so I tried lunging again but he knocked one knife away. I had to be a quick thinker. "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!!!!” he yelled. I felt a little sorry…maybe.

His constant screaming and squirming made me queasy. Everything went black, and a fire erupted in my stomach. My reflex was so painful, it felt like my throat was being shredded from the inside. The guy was drenched in the most foulest of all of the foul liquids. When I regained my vision, I could see the guy wobbling on the ground. I couldn't help but laugh as I spit in his face. He didn't seem to be wounded as bad as I thought. The man struggled as he fought his way to a nearby box to stand up. Calmly, I helped the man up, and tried to explain to him that is was all an accident. He didn't take to kindly to these words. His eyes were bloodied; white shirt stained.”

Let's pause for a second here, random guy reading this. For one, I just got to get some coffee. Secondly, I want to discuss something. I feel like I did a good deed right there, you know? The guy needed help and so BEN JOHNSON comes to help!

(10 minutes later)
Now that I got my delicious coffee, let the action-pack adventure continue!

So the good Lord above was like, "Yo bitch. Don't just leave him out in the open.” I wonder if I should invite him over for some "tea". So I asked the guy. ‘Are you fucking crazy man!? I'm fucking dying here!’ UGH! This guy was worse than a nagging wife! I knew he wasn't going to go easy, so a simple rib crusher punch combo, level 15, would do the job. I guess the punch was pretty strong, because he spewed blood all over my face. TWINES!!! The poor guy was taking to long, so I just ended up grabbing his neck and dragged him to the nearest back door. Luckily, it was open and we both waltzed right

The inside was dark, couldn't see shit. Finding the light switch was not my main priority; I had to be able to see what was going to be next because it was going to be awesome. I finally find a light, and the place is dead empty; like absolutely nothing was in here. The guy was in the corner trembling; I don't know why. He was getting slightly annoying I must say. ‘Wha-what are you going to do to me?’ ‘I'm only trying to help.’ ‘Help with what?’ ‘Ever wondered what your insides would look like?’ ‘What the fuck man!?’

Pause!

Right then was really weird. Here we both are; blood covering us, excrete everywhere, drowning in sweat, and everything was calm; then I started to sing. I don't know what I was singing, but as I did, I balled my fists and raised them to strike again.

I beat the fuck out of that guy. When I was done with the ultimate ass-whooping, my hands were bloodied from not just his pathetic blood; but mine as well. The wasteful excuse for a human curled up near the wall; tears falling down his face. 'Please…please, just let me go.' ‘I can’t; this is too much fun!' I picked him up and we started dancing to the sound of trumpets blaring; trombones and tubas roaring. After about a couple of minutes, I could sense that it was getting dark. 'I can’t fucking believe it. Well, you know time flies when you are enjoying the moment'.

I’m sure you, Mr. Reader, would like for me to finish this story, but I am afraid that there is not much left for me to tell. All I did was just stab him tremendously, hummed a few tunes, ejaculated to the sound of his screams, and then cut him up into itty bitty pieces. It was quite fun, I presume, for it was a great way to end the day. I am almost certain that my boss is going to fire me for missing work. That is okay though. We can have a little chit chat to “renegotiate” our terms. HAA HAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!"